Closer to God: Aging in Prison

I found out today I may have prostate cancer. I'm 51 years old and have come a long way since I came to prison at nineteen. It's a sobering moment. I have a cousin who passed away two weeks ago that was the same age as I. The first thing I thought when I heard of her death was, Wow! She was my age. Being a month apart from my dead cousin, and the discovery of a likely cancer prognosis, has brought an acuity to a different set of circumstances of my incarceration. Getting old.

The thought of how finite my life is at this moment has probably hit me with more clarity than ever before. The fact that I may die in prison brings me closer to a reality I had not previously considered with each passing year, week, and day. The judgement of a life sentence is closer to a fact than the hope I had to, at some point, return home to my family and loved ones, and I wonder if I may ever have a second chance.

I consider these things in light of my faith as a Muslim. My belief is that my fate is with my Lord, and I have hope that I can be healed (if there is a cancerous diagnosis). However, my faith does not diminish my concerns of dying, my feelings of leaving my loved ones behind, never having the opportunity to live the life I wished to have, and the urge to race to settle my accounts and get my affairs in order before that fateful moment.

There is a growing aging population in US prisons today. An entire generation of teenagers and young adults received life sentences thirty or so years ago when the prevailing sentiment of the super predator developed into a litany of harsh and punitive tough-on-crime policies, and sentencing laws. But today, as I wrestle with the reality of my aging body and deteriorating health, I ask how (or if) we have grown as a society? Prisons in the US are not built to address or sustain the growing health crisis among the aging. Thirty years ago, the number of people over the age of fifty was significantly lower than it is today, while the average cost of continued incarceration is significantly higher due to, among other things, increasing health care costs.

It has been over a year since my initial examination, and I still have not had a follow-up visit with a specialist. The delay in an examination for a cancer screening can result in a stage four cancer diagnosis instead of stage one. Health issues in prison are almost like a death knell for the infirm and elderly. Prisons are ill equipped to service the ever increasing mental and physical health concerns.

When I arrived at New York State DOCCS almost thirty-two years ago I was one of the youngest people at that facility. Having spent over three decades in prison I am now one of the elders. I scan the faces of the men around me as I move about this facility and wonder how much longer I have?

Most people hope to grow old and die in peace with family and friends around them. I have found that this rarely happens for anyone, and never for the incarcerated. Prison isn't a place that fosters dying with dignity. Old and alone does not provide for much of the humanity we seek in our darkest hour. The harsher reality of getting old in prison is that the health care sucks. In this moment all I have to rely on is my faith and hope in The Creator. It is all I ever really had.

Adversity in life does that to you. It makes you want to get closer to God. And if that is the case, I must admit this is probably the closest I have ever been to Him.

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Salahuddin Tayden Townsley is a graduate of Mercy University and will be receiving his Bachelor's in Behavioral Science in June '26. Salahuddin has done considerable work in the mental health and legal fields. He is one of the creators and facilitators for the Miller's Children book club at Sing Sing and was creative director of the 2024 Beyond The Block event of which the award winning documentary "Beyond" is based on. Salahuddin has recently coauthored the chapter The Real Pain of Punishment: Prison, Belonging, and the Quest for Humanized Justice by legal and psychology scholar Frederica Coppola. He is also a Legal Literacy At Work Fellow and seeking clemency.